unable - untitled

aimless. no, it is more of anticipation that is weighing me down to pit bottom. i am desperate enough to pop the emergency pills. the last time they prescribed those tiny little monsters, i took none. my nerves have taken over, enveloped me in paranoia. i feel restless, easily irritable, irrational and high strung. i take long deep breathes and willing my days away; not whiling. i chanced upon hitomi kanehara. we share the same dark outlook on living. how strange to have someone writing my private thoughts, except she has more copulations in mind. i did nothing but yoga, read (3 & a half books to date) and impulsive-shopped for the past week. i sit here recounting. i feel transported to some 20 years ago; that familiar sentiments over books, watching my mother practicing yoga and lusting over the wants. i penned down the necessary do's  and immediately, the head rages with hatred and anger. i don't know why. nothing that i want to do. i want to fade away. i want to embrace indifference and apathy. these are all i feel.