When we hold on to something, we would not let it go. That is why we suffer. 

Cleansing

It has been a while that I have been on this regime on and off. The difference is noticeable but hard to keep up. 

I'm trying the cho beauty. Let's see. 

Be still, my heart

Be still, my heart. 

Be still, my heart. 

Be still, my heart. 

How many times to repeat before it can start beating again? 

Hiatus

Blurred Years and chapters later, I returned to the spot that I could sound. I am the disappearing and disappeared; unheard and unseen. Nothing ever made sense. Rationality is a myth; I don't believe in it. Been writing myself last notes but I am still here. 

Welcome back. 

Poor Aunt

I feel like the Murakami's character. A faded image. I need to find someone to haunt.

A bit of me.

Boredom is something someone does. It is just so boring to get bored all day. But what can one do when the only thing to do is to get bored. I will resume to dying at 45. Hopefully, by then, my dad is gone. My mum has already left this world. There isn't much for me to look forward to. I think it is God's will for me to be sensitive and depressed. This is so that I will not have to really live with anyone for a long long time and depart as I wish. But He also gave me a family that even if things are not well, I cannot just say au revoir. This family that I cannot deny keeps me here. Although I cannot vouch that they will be all that unhappy when I leave, I have the obligation to stay put till they pass on one by one. I watch aged father trying to make this family a family in his most sincere ways. I do not want to be the one to disappoint even if I try. He tries his best to pull things together even if the puzzle pieces simply do not match. He finds amusement in the most mundane. It makes him happy and balanced; it is fine by me. Before I die, I need to serve a few more years to non-disappointments. It is hard and complicated because I am simply a complicated person who simply cannot seem to get my life right. My dysfunctional family is a great muse to my ever so chaotic lifestyle. It is a silent kind of chaos with some moments of flares. I amuse myself just by trying to be normal and hating it. I like sad movies but get really bored so that I can complain about boring they are. I cannot stand comedies because life is not funny. However, I am not dark enough to sustain a mystery. Not bright enough to be sunshine happy girl. I am invisible but leaves faint traces. Someone who is familiar but no one actually remembers. I am that.