I just need to kill myself. 

Sucks to be me. Sucks to not have anyone to love me. Sucks to know what precious means and that I am not precious. It is just great. 

Stupid allergies

Allergic to dust. 

Rashes from playing with blutack. 

C'est ma vie. 

Mad woman

On the bus, there was a mad woman. She was laughing, screaming and enjoying herself. She was not funny but the reactions and looks from the other passengers were priceless!

Mad woman

On the bus, there was a mad woman. She was laughing, screaming and enjoying herself. She was not funny but the reactions and looks from the other passengers were priceless!

The R(A) experience

Don't think I have even spoken about this. My very first R rated movie was American History X. Funny thing though, is that it was my mother who brought me. I was still legally underaged at that time and I really wanted to watch it. I can still remember how the lady at the door insisted on seeing my identification card. My mum was also very insistent that she is my parent and she would 'guide' me. The power of parent granted my first experience of violence on screen. 

Thank you, mum. I miss you. 

I am sorry for the hatred you have for me. 

When we hold on to something, we would not let it go. That is why we suffer. 

Cleansing

It has been a while that I have been on this regime on and off. The difference is noticeable but hard to keep up. 

I'm trying the cho beauty. Let's see. 

Be still, my heart

Be still, my heart. 

Be still, my heart. 

Be still, my heart. 

How many times to repeat before it can start beating again? 

Hiatus

Blurred Years and chapters later, I returned to the spot that I could sound. I am the disappearing and disappeared; unheard and unseen. Nothing ever made sense. Rationality is a myth; I don't believe in it. Been writing myself last notes but I am still here. 

Welcome back. 

Poor Aunt

I feel like the Murakami's character. A faded image. I need to find someone to haunt.

A bit of me.

Boredom is something someone does. It is just so boring to get bored all day. But what can one do when the only thing to do is to get bored. I will resume to dying at 45. Hopefully, by then, my dad is gone. My mum has already left this world. There isn't much for me to look forward to. I think it is God's will for me to be sensitive and depressed. This is so that I will not have to really live with anyone for a long long time and depart as I wish. But He also gave me a family that even if things are not well, I cannot just say au revoir. This family that I cannot deny keeps me here. Although I cannot vouch that they will be all that unhappy when I leave, I have the obligation to stay put till they pass on one by one. I watch aged father trying to make this family a family in his most sincere ways. I do not want to be the one to disappoint even if I try. He tries his best to pull things together even if the puzzle pieces simply do not match. He finds amusement in the most mundane. It makes him happy and balanced; it is fine by me. Before I die, I need to serve a few more years to non-disappointments. It is hard and complicated because I am simply a complicated person who simply cannot seem to get my life right. My dysfunctional family is a great muse to my ever so chaotic lifestyle. It is a silent kind of chaos with some moments of flares. I amuse myself just by trying to be normal and hating it. I like sad movies but get really bored so that I can complain about boring they are. I cannot stand comedies because life is not funny. However, I am not dark enough to sustain a mystery. Not bright enough to be sunshine happy girl. I am invisible but leaves faint traces. Someone who is familiar but no one actually remembers. I am that.

Not a facebook thing.

There are so much pent up frustrations but they say no one wants to read about sadness and disappointments on facebook. Funny, isn't it? A place where people report practically everything that happens in their lives is not one should pour out their woes. A secret forgotten blog seems like the only viable alternative for such a task. Revisiting an outlet to air out the emotions. I fear that I have too much to say but no one is reading so it would not matter. No reputation to speak of anymore. People disappear one by one. Sometimes, it just would not suffice to write in a little notebook and later chuck to a side. Only to resurface during a clean out. Stories good and bad. I am a psychopath, come to think of it. I wish I could kill but I did in subtle ways. I leave wounds and dark memories in the people I thought I loved. Like them, I live again and again, opening new chapters after each kill. In retrospect, who killed who? Suppose we could never tell. The new stories I would not know because the chapters do not include me. No one's story has a Me in the present. I have simply disappeared. I tried to filter through their memories, leaving traces of my existence. The debt collectors remember me well. I serve good purpose for them. Reminding them that they do their job well, hassling me ever so often. I need a job to distract me from unnecessary thoughts and pay my bills. Yet, before that could happen, the accumulation of repressed conflicts drives me to talk to myself constantly, asking myself the various possibilities of life choices I could make. I want to talk about myself all day. Someone as crazy as I might want to read about me. Definitely not a facebook thing.

The Irony.

The major letdown has to be the desire to move on and be optimistic about life but the slight bleep of a consolation call just does not arrive. To stay put and pray satirizes the very glimpse of hope that one could possibly muster after many unfortunate series of events. The wait for death will not come so easily. Perhaps it is what they call life. The capacity of hope is under attacked by the unexpected nonchalance as the world spins day and night in its cycle; totally unaware of how one decision would ignite another bout of beginnings. Une nouvelle vague. All the what-ifs remain possibilities and options. How exciting. It seeps away with each insignificant moment. Why?

bye debt more freedom

don't know about you but i have a habit of keeping receipts of my monthly debts in my bag. this constantly reminds me of my stupidity and carelessness. can't wait to pay them off and forget about them for good. each time i make a payment to lessen the burden, i throw away the receipts one by one till the next one comes in. damn. it is a good feeling. thriftiness is definitely one thing to learn. saving will be next.

new moon, jac

alright, so i have been procrastinating. so i have been lazing around, simple refusal to do anything serious. in my own defence, i saw people lied on documents and that disgusts me. why bother to work my head off when people around lie for one another in order to cover their asses. i am so grossed out that i need time to recover (you know what i mean). 

but what i did do today was to hop into town, ate vegetarian, bought some sexy books, conquered some cheap heels and watched new moon. it is so about the werewolf. hot wolf. i admit that i gasped along with ladies all around at the scene whereby he stripped off  his shirt to show off that gorgeous body (OMG!!!!). the girlish giggles after that was equally adorable. i must say that the wolf is so hot, edward sure loses his colour. anyway, I WANT THAT WOLF!!!!!!!!!

taiwan summary.

okay. so i am going to cheating a little. changing the dates of entries to recount my little taiwan adventure. in retrospect, i would say that this trip was either too mundane or tourist-sy. ya ya, i know i am a TOURIST but i was expecting some adrenaline rushes and excitement. i felt as though i was in a tour group except that there were always just me and a couple of people. for what it is worth, i did see some fascinating scenery, tasted exotic food, done things that i have always wanted but could never get down to them in singapore (read below for details) and learnt about the rich history of taiwan. i am slightly jet lagged and i so need a hair treatment! the climate was so dry that my hair hardened~it stands on its own, that scary! for now, it is some shut eye and a trip to the hairdresser. oh, i forgot to mention, i finally know what cold sores are and they ache like hell!

taiwan taiwan, here i come!

finally, the long awaited holiday. loads of things that are yet packed and settled. wonder if my clothes are warm enough. wonder if i have enough to pay for the trip. wonder where we will be going. checked my mail and sunbear replied. strange. nonetheless, i am psyched up for the trip, determined to enjoy myself. did all that i could manage.

thought the week before was crazy, what with the overnight guide camp and endless staff seminars. when those were over, i figured that i would have more time to prepare for my trip. boy, was i wrong. monday went past with a rude shock and a splitting headache. tuesday was confined to angst, heartache and slight flu. wednesday was a mad rush to sell off all of our leftover cookies and waiting for the suppliers to deliver the goods. then, meeting my folks for the homestay. we were barely ready for entertaining but we tried our best. i received my little Diki, the spitfire indonesian boy and Phoe, the almost silent movie from myammar. sleeping arrangement was settled but places to go were still a mystery. i wanted to give them the liberty to choose. all they could think of is the merlion. so on thursday, we ended up seeing the merlion, had a quick lunch, went on the duck tour, the hippo tour and landed in chinatown where the boys found souvenirs for their folks and i found Godsend Parhana who had so kindly agreed to take my boys for the evening while siti and i hit the play, menopause. so they went to sentosa to watch the songs of the seas, to the night safari for the animal show and i was just in time to go on the tram ride with them. i was the first to wake up and the last to have my shower, the last to hit the pillow that is. on riday, got Diki up for prayers at the sultan mosque at 6 in the morning. got back to pick Phoe up and sent them off to the ship. i did like them. i am just lousy at hosting and entertaining. i don't think they had enjoyed their trip here. oh well, i might improve by the next time. the moment they left, i felt a sense of emptiness. i teared a little at the send off.

back to my trip. ok. i am ready to go!